Escape

It's that subconsciously overwhelming feeling that it's really pointless. All of it. What am I living for? Daily, for what? Fulfilling requirements and meeting needs and desires. On a grand scale... I don't know. There seems no point to being here at USAFA. There seems no point to being in college, aside from the fact that that's what I always expected to do. Because it was considered good. Did I choose it? In a roundabout way, I guess. I didn't really consider it. Coming to USAFA? My pride eliminated one choice, another fell through, so this was it. I tried to rationalize it, but I'm not happy here. Happy. What is it? Maybe the pointlessness of college and stuff is tied to a lack of direction for the future. I haven't a clue what I want to do, aside from what I don't want to do. I don't really want to be in the military. I don't want to have to do math. There's nothing I can really see myself doing. But what's the point of a job? Supporting survival I guess. Sure it's important, but survival is the base line. The alarm bells are going off in me that I'm just surviving right now. Which is why I just want it to end. If all I'm doing is surviving and living a purposeless routine, there's nothing to live for. Why has it come to this? I've run so far. I should be a wreck, but there seems to be a block to the conscious feeling and thinking about important stuff. I wonder if I can still pray? It's the feeling you get when you look at a mess so big and complicated that not only do you not know where to start, you don't even want to try to figure out where to start. Hopelessness. I guess that's why right now I'd just like to walk away. I don't see a way out. I don't see a way for me in the future. I don't have the strength to get up. I know there are things I should be doing, but I can't bring myself to do them. They're the last thing I think of, sadly. And it's not like I lack other things to do. Busy all day, and I come back to a bunch of homework that I really don't want to do. It takes thinking or talking to someone to remind me of this horror. But it's just words. I want to change. But I'm too asleep and afraid to ask, because I feel like I've forgotten... how to live; if I ever knew at all. I'm tired of my words and my anger. Living, followthrough, and perseverance are so hard. What a miserable wretch I am.