Monday, December 14, 2009

As I'm Going Numb and Dying, I Cry Out in Monotone

Why does it take

My most treasured possession

To get my attention?

Why does it take

You turning her gaze

To someone else

Before I see

My own sad condition?

What am I now?

What happened to me?

Where is the life inside?

Even now, I cannot feel.

I want to hear

I want to pray

I want to worship

I want to say

With full confidence

That You’re first

In my life

But there’s so much to unravel

So many pieces to pick up

And put back together

God, I’m such a mess

Save me

And make me truly Yours

So that I can’t deny it

Even if I try

Save me from this numbness

That drains all color from my life

Save me from my strident will

Bid it be still

And lead me down Your path

Save me from my weakness

I know how great it is

But I also know

You’re greater still

And there’s nothing You can’t do

Wash away the bitterness

I know resides in me

Help me to forgive

As You’ve forgiven me

Save me from my instincts

To struggle desperately for what’s “mine”

I can see now

My desperate hold on everything

Is squeezing the life out of me

I know I wasn’t made

To be a sorry mess

When we surrender all to You

You truly give us life

But God, it’s such a battle

To truly haul down the flag

And I can’t win this on my own

Only You can make that happen

I know my own great weakness

The long history of my failures

But Lord, I trust

You’re greater

And nothing’s too much

For You

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Enemies

"Love your enemies" -Jesus

It's something I've heard at church since I was very young. It's one of the most revolutionary teachings the world has ever witnessed. And, until yesterday, I totally forgot it.

My tirade about the... offensive actions and undesirable qualities about a certain upperclassman yesterday was gently interrupted. And I was urged to pray for him. Wow.

Before I came to USAFA, my personal "enemy" list hadn't been started yet. Of course there were people I mildly disliked, but nobody made the enemy list. USAFA changed that though. The lies on top of lies, the endless regulations, the inefficiency, the inhumanity, the collectivism, they all aroused my hatred. I'm learning that the hardest thing I have forgiving is, well... supporting and being part of the system, especially unequivocally. The more unequivocal the support, the more I loathe them. In my book, it's probably the best way to dehumanize oneself.

However, all of the people who make up that system were made in the image of God. Much as I loathe their decisions and creation, as much as they are my enemies, I'm supposed to... love them. I don't think I can do that. Especially the part of love that involves trust. I don't trust them. Frankly, I have very few friends here of my own choice.

So, I'm going to try at very least to pray for these people, and try to keep the whole "praying for your enemy = heaping hot coals on their head" verse out of my mind. Rage against the machine, while somewhat unavoidable it seems, needs to be controlled.

Seeing Past the Surface

It's what I long for, when I'm lucid. To be able to see the other dimension, past the petty struggles of this world to the real war going on just beneath the surface. How difficult it is to acquire an eternal perspective. I'm afraid I haven't yet. How tough will it be to keep, if ever acquired?

It would be so much more bearable if I could see the spiritual dimension. It might be easier to find out what the real enemy is. Most of the time though, it just seems to be suffering at the USAF's whim. I'm willing to fight and suffer, but the cause has to be worth it. Armed support of the United States government (and training to do so) do not count as worthy causes in my book.

God's probably got a reason for all this though. I wonder what it is.

Another Standing Stone

"You Answered With Power"
I pled
Desperately
You moved
You showed
Your power
Unlimited
Healing
You are faithful
You are good
You are merciful
You never fail us
You always listen
Let me never stray
Let me always trust

Writings from USAFA

"Trapped"

I don’t know anymore
I go on
Trying to walk through this wasteland
Going around in circles
Stumbling through the wreckage
Who’s doing the shooting?
Is it me or them?
What am I fighting?
Who can I trust?
Dare I trust me?
I think not
I want to stand for what’s right
But I don’t know where I am anymore
But even if I did
Would I even stand?
Or would I run again?
I want to hear
But there’s so much noise
I want to see
But the fires all around
Blind me
I thrash at the bars
Of this cage
But what is it?
Whence come it?
Is it an illusion?
An enemy device?
Or is it something I made?
Am I my own worst enemy?

I realized today that Shadows by Red is a lot of this same feel put to music.


"Broken Again"

Here I am
Broken again
Again despairing
Again crying out
My deafness
My blindness
The doubts in my head
I can’t feel anything
What I know drives me frantic
But the worst part of all
Is that I know this will pass
I’ll fall back into
The deafness and blindness
I’ll stumble about
Careless and inconsiderate
Look at my beloved
Look there
A few unfeeling steps
Look at the hurt I’ve done
So now I’m back here again
Asking for help again
I don’t want
To just ask for help
I want to know You
But the thing that kills me
Is that in three hours
Maybe less
I won’t want that anymore
And I’ll forget You exist
I’m weak and pathetic
Wretched and schizophrenic
I forget so easily
And fall back asleep
Walking comatose
With an occasional lucid moment
So while I can
I’ll scream again
Save me
Show me
Open my eyes
Speak to me
Open my ears
Enter my mind
Dispel the doubts
Free me from my own weakness
Make everything clear
As it once was




How long has it been?
Sometimes I struggle to remember
Was it only a few months ago
That I left my life?
Soft music playing
I got in the car
One last time
One last glimpse of my world
As a part of it
Now I know
That world is gone forever
When I left
So many things
I knew and loved
Fell down
I’m in another world
A place with different normalcy
But I’m a stranger here
What happened to innocence?
Where is the nearness?
No more carefree


"Swindled"

Trusting
Naïve
I believed them
Conventional wisdom
Hearsay
It worked so well
Required no effort
The only choice
A place
Where everything is done for you
Even when you don’t want it that way
I thought
It would be worth it
Just a sacrifice now
For great benefit later
But you can’t get time back
There’s no reclaiming the years
What is our reward
For so great a sacrifice
A pitiful salary
Respect
A fancy uniform
For this we surrender the best years of our lives
Our freedoms
Our thoughts
Our selves
So here I am
Trapped here
Unable to speak
Daring to question
Daring to think
Daring to dream
If only I had known
I wouldn’t be bound here
But will I survive?
Will I come out intact?
Or will I be twisted
Into something I hate?
But I have yet to see
Anyone prove me wrong


Thoughts On Arrival in Colorado Springs
(I sat out alone, looked into the distance, and wrote...)


Mountains in the distance
A desperate desire to escape
A solemn sense of heightened awareness
But awareness of what?
No, just solemnity and solitude
Somewhere out there
A new world
I’m not coming back
This will be my new home
She couldn’t talk
Told me to go
I called the wrong person
What am I to learn?
Discipline? Dependence?
What will it be?
Would it make a difference if I knew?
Staring straight through
It may as well not be there
Words are clumsy
A rugged unknown
I couldn’t tell you where I am
But I’ve been someplace like it before
Quiet
Thinking of a thousand unknowns
That must be out there
But I don’t know what they are
Shouldn’t I be asking questions?
Or thinking of something?
But I’m not
Not really
Alone in the middle of hundreds
Just below me are strangers
Who may as well not exist
Does the desire for solitude makes us more alone because we run away and shut out the world?
Wind
Why do I hear even the smallest footsteps?
Would I be…


"Seeing What You Wanted"

You came
You saw
What you wanted to see
Confidence
Prestige
Money and a uniform
But that’s only the surface
What lies beneath cuts deeper
Maybe I’m dying
I’m not totally sure
Moral corrosion
Is in the air
I see the corpses
Walking about
Submerged in filth
Built on theft
Fighting for thieves
Liberty forgotten
Replaced by greed
Ambition
The whims of those in charge

Three Days

If I've told you, you know

"The Road Ahead"
The road ahead
Goes ever onward
I see
Many hard places
Lie ahead
Much pain
In the future
But the view is misty
And I’m looking somewhere else
Lord
Lead me on
Keep my eyes fixed on you
God, I’m hurting
Cut
Bleeding
Tears flow
I ache inside
The worst part is
I have me to blame
For most of it
This road
Is bleak
And lonely
Give me the strength
To go on
Because I
Don’t have it



"Yesterday"
Yesterday
My spirit
Was crushed
Tears flowed
When I thought of
The separation
I went
To a celebration
My heart heavy
Expecting bitterness
At first
It seemed I was right
Bitter solitude
Was my lot
But You heard my prayer
And You answered
You swept away the bitterness
And replaced it
With happiness and joy
Yesterday
I didn’t want to go on
The way ahead
Looked so bleak
So lonely
So hard
Near impossible
But You, Lord
Have all strength
All discernment
All love
All mercy
You will bring me through
You will give me strength
To go on
When I have none
I will trust in You
No matter what happens
Lord
You are not one
Who leaves things
Unfinished
You brought us together
You pushed us onward
You sustained us
This
Is precious to me
If it pleases You
Redeem it
Resurrect it from the ashes
As You can
But even if it’s not to be
I trust You still
You won’t abandon me
You never




"Today"
There I was
Still hurting
Still unsure
Wanting more
Than a lecture
You came
You spoke
“Let go”
You took
My imperfection
And in return
You became
My righteousness
My joy
My happiness
My hope
Who am I?
That You
Omnipotent
Omniscient
Holy
Would move
At the sound
Of my voice?
I don’t know why
But I don’t need to know
I was overwhelmed
I couldn’t restrain
The tears
You spoke
To me
The lowest of all
Then You showed
Your power
Unlimited
You astonished me
With Your unlimited power
I can hardly take it in
I can’t sit still
My heart is racing
I don’t want
To just be aflame
I want
To be
A flame
Melt and sweep away
The poor
Brittle
Colorless
Sorry pile of wax
That I am
I want to be
A flame
Your flame
Let your fire fall
Unlimited
All-consuming
Burn away the old
Blast our grey
Flat
Lifeless
Dull existences
Into color
Into life
Revolution
Away with the old
Let Your
All-consuming Fire
Burn through everything
Even to the most mundane
The most insignificant
Corners
Of life
Open my eyes
Open my ears
Awaken me
Let me see
The other dimension
Sustain this flame
No matter what
I can’t do this
Pour on
To this sorry spark
The liquid oxygen
Of Your power
Let it burn fiercely
Uncontrollably
Until it becomes
Who I am
‘Til I
Can’t hide it
Even if I try
Keep the flame alive
No mere survival
All-consuming
Let it burn

Quotes

Below are some of my favorite quotes

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
-Soren Kierkegaard

The tyrant dies and his rule is over, the martyr dies and his rule begins.
-Soren Kierkegaard

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
-Soren Kierkegaard

"At a minimum, a head of state should have a head,"
-Vladimir Putin (in response to Hillary Clinton's accusation that he had no soul)

All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning.
Great works are often born on a street corner or in a restaurant's revolving door.
Albert Camus

By definition, a government has no conscience. Sometimes it has a policy, but nothing more.
Albert Camus

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Albert Camus

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.
Albert Camus

In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant.
- Charles de Gaulle

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
George Bernard Shaw

The American Presidency is not a journey in personal discovery

Gov. Sarah Palin

Our original shimmering self gets buried so deep we hardly live out of it at all… rather, we learn to live out of all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather.

-Frederick Buechner

And, after all, what is a fashion? From the artistic point of view, it is usually a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

-Oscar Wilde

People create their own questions because they are afraid to look straight. All you have to do is look straight and see the road, and when you see it,
don't sit looking at it - walk.
Ayn Rand

The ladder of success is best climbed by stepping on the rungs of opportunity.
Ayn Rand

There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist.
Ayn Rand

It is a grave error to suppose that a dictatorship rules a nation by means of strict,
rigid laws which are obeyed and enforced with rigorous, military precision.
Such a rule would be evil, but almost bearable; men could endure the harshest edicts, provided these edicts were known,
specific and stable; it is not the known that breaks men's spirits, but the unpredictable. A dictatorship has to be capricious;
it has to rule by means of the unexpected, the incomprehensible, the wantonly irrational; it has to deal not in death,
but in sudden death; a state of chronic uncertainty is what men are psychologically unable to bear.
-Ayn Rand



"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.
But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
— Friedrich Nietzsche

Just as man can't exist without his body, so no rights can exist
without the right to translate one's rights into reality,
to think, to work and keep the results,
which means: the right of property.
Ayn Rand


Only the descent into the hell of self-knowledge can pave the way to godliness.
-Immanuel Kant



'Knowledge dominance' does scare us as Marines.
General George Armstrong Custer probably thought he had knowledge dominance, too.
Any time you thing you're smarter than your adversary,
you're probably about a half-mile from the Little Big Horn."
— Colonel Art Corbett, USMC

"We don't have that problem in Russia."
Why not?
"Because when we get that close we close our eyes."
— Unknown

“Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.”
—Mao Tse-Tung

There is a story of a Bolshevik revolutionary who was standing on a soap box speaking to a small crowd in Times Square.
After describing the glories of Socialism and Communism, he said: “Come the revolution and everyone will eat peaches and cream.”
A little old man at the back of the crown yelled out: “I don’t like peaches and cream.”
The Bolshevik thought about that for a moment and then replied:
“Come the revolution, Comrade, you will like peaches and cream.”

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."
George Bernard Shaw

"When you have a hammer, all problems start to look like nails.
But nations without great military power face the opposite danger: When you don't have a hammer, you don't want anything to look like nails."
Robert Kagan

"Of course the people don't want war . . . But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship . . . Voice or no voice, the people can always to brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy.
All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.
It works the same in any country."
— Field Marshal Herman Goering

Never touch a novel. They .. describe happiness that never exists . . . Do Not dream.
-Robert E. Lee

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
--Blake Clark--

There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is nothing good in war. Except its ending.

War is a competition of incompetence - the least incompetent usually win.
- Pakistani General Tiger, after losing Bangladesh

“He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt.
He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice.”

Albert Einstein

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

Groucho Marx

“Military glory - that attractive rainbow that rises in showers of blood”

Abraham Lincoln

“The military caste did not originate as a party of patriots, but as a party of bandits”

Henry Louis Mencken

“Over grown military establishments are under any form of government inauspicious to liberty,
and are to be regarded as particularly hostile to republican liberty.”

George Washington

"To have good soldiers, a nation must always be at war."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

"Laws are inoperative in war"
- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.): Pro Milone.

"War is the continuation of policy(politics) by other means."
- Karl von Clausewitz

I have a blog!

I'm the kind of person who likes to let stuff out now and then, but likes to control the audience. Facebook is just far too watched.

The title is very simple: life is a journey and a battle. These are thoughts and discoveries from along the way