Finding the Way

God is the Architect of my Pain?

2011-02-23T00:30:00.001-08:00

In short, yup! The crazy thing is, I thank Him for it. This post is about how I got there.

I was hugely blessed on Monday to be able to get together with a few brothers and sisters and listen to a Graham Cooke message. In addition to speaking the truth with great clarity and enthusiasm (and with an amazing Scottish accent and sense of humor), Graham Cooke has awesome one-liners. I came out of that day with a very different perspective, and that new light made what the enemy meant to be a miserable day a day of incredible living. But I digress (as usual)...

I think my favorite Graham Cooke one-liner has to be "God is the architect of your pain." There is plenty of controversy in that statement, which I would like to sidestep by explaining the context, which was a discussion of process. The short version is that God has amazing plans for us, but realizing those plans means tends to involve a bit of training for and change in us (process!). However, as God has only the best of plans for us, this means that whatever is causing me pain and grief has been ordained for my greater benefit. More importantly, however, is the fact that God promises to be right there with us the entire time.

This statement and accompanying conclusions caused me to totally reevaluate my own life, in particularly school and the entire Air Force Academy grind. Let me tell you, I have been about at the end of my rope over school in particular of late: 21 hours of classes that seem to serve no purpose other than steal my time and rest and lower my GPA. I have been sick of it (as well as the whole litany of stupid regulations at this place). However, God has ordained all this (down to the engineering mechanics quizzes) so that I can more fully become the man I was created to be and to accomplish the good works already put in place for me. Thus, I'm determined to stop impeding the process and to start growing in it instead.

Today, this made a world of difference. I don't know if I can describe how much I did not want to go to class this morning. Seeing as I would get in quite a bit of trouble for that though, the greater temptation was to be miserable and frustrated. I was hanging onto the truth for dear life this morning against a nearly overwhelming tide of emotion. But the Lord promises that His grace is sufficient for us and that His joy will be our strength. It was also quite helpful to remember that God, living outside of time, has already seen this one through and that He is here with me. Thus, today was incredible when it could very well have been miserable. Amazing what perspective does, aye?

The Truth Will Set You Free

2011-01-24T05:17:00.000-08:00

There's a great quote from the movie Inception that I believe sheds a lot of light on the deceptive tactics of the enemy. As Cobb is finally standing up to his projection of Mal and telling it that he knows it is not his real wife, the projection answers something to the extent of

"How can you be so certain? What do you feel? What do you believe?"

In my opinion, this is exactly what the enemy asks us time and time again. It is so easy to just go with what we are feeling. Often, speaking truth against those emotions feels like just throwing words at something without effect.

In church yesterday, I was feeling very unworthy and unable to hear the Lord or involve myself in the worship. And it was really frustrating. I quickly realized however, that this was a spiritual attack and that the content of these feelings was untruth. I started praying and repeating the truth, but for awhile it seemed that I was just saying words, which was very discouraging. Finally, though, those things felt as though they had been broken off of me. It felt so good to be free again

Last night

2010-12-06T07:38:00.000-08:00

Last night was really tough, but really rewarding. A certain dear friend and I were a bit at odds, and as we talked I started noticing in myself disturbing, horrible feelings. It was hatred. The only image I can find for this stuff is thick, black, horrible tarry stuff. It's GROSS. I legitimately felt at my limit last night. But God promises that we will never be tempted beyond what we can handle, and by His grace, I did not give in. For this I am most thankful

The Weariness of Wand'rings

2010-09-21T07:32:00.000-07:00

Empty
Weary
Cut off
How did I get here?
I tried to do it myself
But I stopped thinking
I stopped caring
I gave in
I wandered again
Chasing what this time?
I don’t remember
Whatever it was
It was just a mirage
My eyes are opening again
Ever so slowly
Painfully slowly
The callous is so thick already
I can barely feel
Here in the wasteland
Of my own wanderings
The emptiness
Of my lonely self
Yet even here
You chase me
You’re knocking on the door to this place too
Oh how I want to open
But I cannot
I’ll falter on my own
So give me the strength
To open the door
Come and give me
Your life

There is no other Source

2010-09-15T22:11:00.001-07:00

Get Life. Above all else, learn to live. Because life is in Christ. He came to give us life and life abundantly. And to be brutally honest... there is no substitute. We can do nothing in our own strength. Nothing. Zilch. Noodle :-P

Today that was made painfully clear. It's amazing how empty life is and how weak we are when He is absent. No other thing or person, no matter how amazing can fill His place.

So take the time to get to know Him. Don't be afraid to do something that seems crazy if it's where He leads you. Him being God, it'll probably turn out okay ;-)

Reflections

2010-09-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

So as I was writing just now, I went back and looked at some of my old posts, just for grins. It was an interesting experience. On the one hand, I was generally happy with the aesthetics of most post. As content-wise, it was basically Nathan's thoughts on life: a mixture of lightbulb moments, outpouring joy and thankfulness, depression, and even a little despair.

Yet, through it all, I've see God's providence all around and even some growth in myself. All in all, it was an encouraging and thought-provoking experience

I Cry Out

2010-09-13T08:04:00.000-07:00

Oh Lord my God
I cry out
With praise and thankfulness
Truly You are faithful
Beyond all comprehension
You do not disappoint
Nor go back on Your word
Your plans are good
Your words are life
Your presence is joy and wisdom
Your gifts are lavish
Nothing stands before You
No mountain
No plan
No resolution
You overwhelm all
And save the day
Your wisdom and goodness
Are beyond the realm of logic
Impossibility isn’t for You
Merely boundless love
Boundless goodness
Boundless power
You are omni
Alpha and Omega
Necessary and Sufficient
Three yet one

Some Big News

2010-09-13T07:43:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me, you know I've been struggling for awhile about whether or not to stay at the U.S. Air Force Academy. On the one hand, it is a prestigious institution with many opportunities, but many costs (albeit not financial ones, unless one counts the opportunity cost of 5 years of military service vs. 5 years in the private sector). On the other, it is a life governed by stupid traditions and often by at the very least hardheaded people. "People respond to incentives" was not one of the maxims used in designing the USAFA system.
That's just the stuff. Then there's the war: the war we are fighting is highly unlikely to end with anything other than a U.S. pullout after costs that finally make fighting the war politically prohibitive. Western, particularly American influence in the Middle East over the years has fueled an anti-Americanism that ranges from mild disapproval to murderous hate. My government says we're defending freedom by attempting to impose a government on a region that has never been under one government (unless you count the regime the Soviets propped up, which I do not). And I'm supposed to die for this screw-up?
On the third hand (yes, I can be that weird), this is where God has me. The obvious Providence in not only my life, but the life of some key people here, the opportunities opened, and the advice of a lot of people, most of whom are older and wiser than me, has finally helped me to put aside my prejudices regarding government and military stuff and realize that this is where God has me. He has been so good and faithful, and I know that He will protect and defend not only me, but the family I hope to have. I still gripe and complain, but I'm learning to be content. It's going to be a long 3 years, but I know God has wonderful things in store, and I know an Academy diploma is a key that opens many doors.

So, I'm endeavoring to grow in intimacy with my Savior and make the most of my time here. I'd always appreciate your prayers.

I'm Baaack!!!!

2010-09-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

After a long hiatus from blogging, I have returned :-D Why I didn't blog over the summer, I'm not sure actually. Forgetfulness and laziness I guess. No matter, I shall blog again!

Confusion and Fear

2010-05-04T17:39:00.002-07:00

I go forward now on crutches

I cannot go where I will

Yet I dare not cast these crutches away

Lest I find I can’t walk and I fall

So I’m dragging slowly forward

On a road I don’t wish to follow

Yet on this road

I’m still upright

I’m surviving

But being here

Has taken its toll

Every step forward is revolting

Is it right to cast these crutches away?

Or is this the road I should be on?

For although I'm surviving

I'm not so sure I'm living

Oh wow... maybe that wasn't so complicated as it sounded

2010-05-03T04:05:00.000-07:00

It says several times in the new testament that a big way we show our love for Jesus is by following His commands. Now, for whatever reason, I had in my mind a laundry list of minute commands. But, then I realized that there are only two commands: to love the Lord with all your heart and to love one another. All those other things are just ways to guard and grow that love. Now, following those two commands is a difficult undertaking to be sure, but we have a great Helper

Tom Bombadil

2010-05-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

... is SO COOL!!!

Okay, I'm reading Lord of the Rings for the second time and I recently finished the Tom Bombadil part.

He is so awesome. He is the most unintimidating figures out there, and he wears yellow boots. He is incredibly wise and powerful and joyful. He goes around singing and looking for ways to save please his lady (Goldberry). And saving overcoming any evil in his part of the world (as well as understanding it). While he is very jolly and soft-spoken he is no doubt the master of the forest, and it's a rather scary forest. The way he overcomes enemies is with song. There's even a part of the book where he says that his song is stronger.

He's also one of the Eldest, yet he's the way he is

Yeah, Tom Bombadil = epic win

Pwnage With Panache

2010-04-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

Thank you God

For rescuing me again

My soul out of joint

Befuddled

Tormented

By the very room around me

Yet here also you are God

You heard my cry

You came

You rescued my soul

You are a great warrior oh God

Not merely strong, but spirited

Pwnage with panache

That’s your style

Strength and subtlety

Who can stand against you God?

No one is like You

Screwtape Chapters 1-3 Summaries and Observations

2010-04-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

Chapter 1

This is a discussion of the attitude to be taken towards reason as well as a discussion of distraction. Screwtape tells Wormwood not to try to use reason, science, or argument to keep his patient from Christianity. Rather, he keeps him in a general fog and focused on the immediate stream of sense experiences. Quite telling is the anecdote about the atheist who was almost turned by what he read but was successfully kept away by distracting him with lunch and then the many sights and sounds of the street.

Conclusions: Be ready for an attack of this sort. When you are wrestling with something, don’t give in to the impulse to go take a break and do some other random thing, because in all probability this is an attempt to distract you.

Chapter 2

The patient has become a Christian. Screwtape remains hopeful, however, on several grounds. The major areas he suggests using/attacking are the habits of the patient, both mental and physical (which are still flowing in the old way), and the church and his conceptions of it. One of his greatest tools is the appearance/manner of the other church members, which is enhanced by the vices of these people. The whole idea is to disappoint the patient by presenting a much more banal world than the one we dream of when we are thinking of undertaking something significant

Screwtape also mentions that the patient still thinks he is a pretty good guy, despite his declarations of his own sin. Pride certainly opens the door to the enemy.

There is also a discussion of how God wants us to choose and love Him freely, hence He allows us to make choices and experience their consequences, as well as refusing to carry us.

Conclusions: This illustrates the importance of taking every thought captive and relying on His grace to carry us through times when He doesn’t seem near and we have to fight hard against the traitor within. Also, beware of pride.

Chapter 3

This is a series of instructions on how to exploit a strained relationship. In this case, the patient doesn’t always get along particularly well with his mother. Screwtape advises Wormwood to exploit this in several ways. His first piece of advice is to ensure the patient keeps his mind on the inner life, rather than the everyday, by exploiting humans’ horror of the obvious and everyday. This will keep the patient blind to the faults that anyone who lives and works with him could easily point out. Second, Screwtape describes a way to neutralize the patient’s prayers for his mother by ensuring that he keeps his mind and prayers on her soul (and supposed sins, the idea of which can be twisted so that sin = anything that bothers him) rather than her physical ailments. In this way, it can be ensured that the person the patient prays for is a mental conception that bears little resemblance to his mother, to the degree that nothing in his prayers will ever influence his treatment of the real mother. Third, Screwtape advises Wormwood to work with the mother’s tempter and establish a massive double standard for everyday exchange and offense between the patient and his mother. Additionally, he asks about whether or not the patient’s mother is a bit piqued by the fact that her son was taught and converted by others although she tried to teach him when he was younger.

Conclusions: We are commanded to love our neighbors as ourselves. Thus, we should be on guard against an attack like this. We should examine our hearts carefully, especially when someone annoys us and we’re tempted to play the victim.

What can I say?

2010-04-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

On this most amazing of days, God poured out His love. There's something special about being encouraged by the Holy Spirit in the form of two amazing friends. God is so good, to put it mildly. Such incredible joy, such incredible life is mine with Him. His provision is so incredible.

I think the song Wonder of the World by Rush of Fools sorta sums up what I'm feeling right now.

Easter commemorates the most amazing day in history, the day Jesus won the war, and saved us. Such incredible love and incredible strength.

Wonder of the world You've been more wonderful to me, and as long as I can speak I will say so, I'll say so. Wonder of the world You're on display for all to see, and for all eternity I will say so, say so.

A New Start

2010-03-29T10:37:00.001-07:00

I have decided to read certain books a different way: I'm going to journal my way through them :-) Starting with Screwtape Letters :-) I'll post my findings here

Home and Homelessness

2010-03-21T22:21:00.001-07:00

What is home? I think the saying that home is where the heart is is really saying that home is where one belongs. The greatest sense of homelessness is to feel there is no place one belongs. Home is friendly familiarity, a place where one feels safe.

Maybe I'll never feel that I belong. Perhaps I'm just making the adjustment badly. But I can't feel that I really belong at USAFA. I mean, I know everywhere is messed up, but I just can't feel that I belong there. Slaving away over a bunch of techie stuff I don't care about and listening to a lot of propaganda that I don't quite believe. I have no friends there. Outside (i.e. at church), yes. Cadets, no.

Is it really the right place to be? I don't know. I don't where I should be. Part of me has given up hope that I have a place to live, not just survive. I don't know.

It's a horrible feeling to be visiting one's own room. It's where I've lived for the last 10.5 years, and I always come home to it being really clean.

The world I grew up in disintegrated when I left. Sierra died 2 days before I in-processed. The debate league I loved split. So did my fencing club. People grew up. Some moved on and others moved away. Things changed. It's not so much that I don't quite fit here anymore, rather that that world doesn't exist anymore. And I've learned quickly that USAFA is no place be oneself openly.

I guess I'm a bit lost right now

Escape

2010-03-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

It's that subconsciously overwhelming feeling that it's really pointless. All of it. What am I living for? Daily, for what? Fulfilling requirements and meeting needs and desires. On a grand scale... I don't know. There seems no point to being here at USAFA. There seems no point to being in college, aside from the fact that that's what I always expected to do. Because it was considered good. Did I choose it? In a roundabout way, I guess. I didn't really consider it. Coming to USAFA? My pride eliminated one choice, another fell through, so this was it. I tried to rationalize it, but I'm not happy here. Happy. What is it? Maybe the pointlessness of college and stuff is tied to a lack of direction for the future. I haven't a clue what I want to do, aside from what I don't want to do. I don't really want to be in the military. I don't want to have to do math. There's nothing I can really see myself doing. But what's the point of a job? Supporting survival I guess. Sure it's important, but survival is the base line. The alarm bells are going off in me that I'm just surviving right now. Which is why I just want it to end. If all I'm doing is surviving and living a purposeless routine, there's nothing to live for. Why has it come to this? I've run so far. I should be a wreck, but there seems to be a block to the conscious feeling and thinking about important stuff. I wonder if I can still pray? It's the feeling you get when you look at a mess so big and complicated that not only do you not know where to start, you don't even want to try to figure out where to start. Hopelessness. I guess that's why right now I'd just like to walk away. I don't see a way out. I don't see a way for me in the future. I don't have the strength to get up. I know there are things I should be doing, but I can't bring myself to do them. They're the last thing I think of, sadly. And it's not like I lack other things to do. Busy all day, and I come back to a bunch of homework that I really don't want to do. It takes thinking or talking to someone to remind me of this horror. But it's just words. I want to change. But I'm too asleep and afraid to ask, because I feel like I've forgotten... how to live; if I ever knew at all. I'm tired of my words and my anger. Living, followthrough, and perseverance are so hard. What a miserable wretch I am.

I want my life back. Er... Not Really

2010-03-15T11:16:00.000-07:00

"I want my life back"

It's the wrong declaration. The desire is not ownership, but life. What I mean is this:

"I want to live"

But what does that mean? I mean, really? In everything, what? This is the journey of life methinks, but not just finding an answer. Life isn't just about questions and answers. Questions and answers help one see where the road begins, and perhaps where it ends, or may end. The business of living is in, well, the living. Knowing where you want to go and who you want to be is one thing, but the being and becoming are another matter altogether.

Something I must say

2010-03-07T16:26:00.000-08:00

What you have chosen to do for your country by devoting your life to the service of your country is the greatest contribution that any man can make.
-President John F. Kennedy

Responses

By definition, a government has no conscience. Sometimes it has a policy, but nothing more.
Albert Camus

If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were
precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased
to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.
C. S. Lewis

"He who surrenders himself without reservation to the temporal claims of a nation, or a party, or a class is rendering to Caesar that which, of all things, most emphatically belongs to God: himself..."
C. S. Lewis

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
C. S. Lewis

Standards

2010-03-07T16:11:00.000-08:00

"Be perfect therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."
-Jesus (Matthew 5:48)

Whoa.

How else do you react to something like that? Perfect? Me? Um... yeah right. I'm DEFINITELY not perfect. Not even close.

What is perfection? I like to define it as exact conformity to a standard. What's the standard here? God's character. Whoa. Exact conformity means just that: exact conformity. No deviation whatsoever. Yikes.

Thankfully though, Paul gives us a bit of hope on the subject of conforming to this standard

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"
-Paul (Philippians 4:13)

Thank you Jesus for helping carry us to who we were made to be.

Purpose

2010-03-07T16:08:00.000-08:00

What is it we are to do? What about those who don't know?

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

Noise

2010-03-06T15:17:00.000-08:00

Today I decided I wanted to go be quiet. To get away from all the noise. To clear my mind and get away from the stuffy atmosphere. It's amazing how noisy my life is. It was so refreshing to hear the quiet. To hear nothing but the occasional rustling of grass and the birds. To feel the wind and look up to see the trees and the sky. To be in God's beautiful world. It was so refreshing to be quiet. To be still.

Intrapersonal conflict

2010-02-27T19:30:00.000-08:00

Why do you do what you do? Really, why?

I wish I could at least say that I do what I do because that's what I want, much less because that's what God's will is. But, alas, I'm afraid I do so many things because it's what I've always done and/or it's what's expected of me.

Some Wisdom From C. S. Lewis

2010-02-27T16:37:00.000-08:00

Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.
C. S. Lewis

If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were
precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased
to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.
C. S. Lewis

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection:
the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about
the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief,
but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.
C. S. Lewis

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours.
C. S. Lewis

Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.
C. S. Lewis

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step.
C. S. Lewis

"If God is satisfied with the work, the work may be satisfied with itself."
C. S. Lewis

"We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship."
C. S. Lewis

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
C. S. Lewis

"He who surrenders himself without reservation to the temporal claims of a nation, or a party, or a class is rendering to Caesar that which, of all things, most emphatically belongs to God: himself..."
C. s. Lewis

"Conquest is an evil productive of almost every other evil both to those who commit and to those who suffer it."
C. S. Lewis

Deception

2010-02-25T10:18:00.000-08:00

If you forget about the war, it's easy to get shot.

Last week was horrible, to put it mildly. Pain, confusion, despair. But I received some great encouragement on Sunday. I've been in pretty good spirits since then. Until today. Oh how deceived I've been. Never forget:

"The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked"

"The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy"

And then be thankful that you have been saved from sure destruction and that God is greater than your weakness and the cunning of the enemy.

Everything is Meaningless, a Chasing After the Wind

2010-02-20T23:23:00.000-08:00

Selections from Ecclesiastes:

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?
8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.

18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.

The product of an ocean of fear and anger

2010-02-16T18:28:00.000-08:00

One Day in May
I came to the door
The last stretch was ever so peaceful
Then I opened it
I looked around
And turned my head up
And I saw it sliding
Ever so slowly down
June was beautiful
I danced with her in that corridor
Until one day she said goodbye
And her words and gentle laughter
Turned to words and rustling paper
Still there but not quite the same
And next week I walked through another door
I opened it
And my sky fell down
Months later
And miles down the road
I’m still going
But I don’t know quite why
Slogging on through this smog
In a rage-blasted wasteland
Dragging my wounded soul along
By the river of my tears
Looking back at scrapes
And bloody footprints
Afraid to look at dark clouds looming
So dimly through the fog

God's plans don't hinge upon the actions of men

2010-02-15T07:41:00.000-08:00

Thought I would throw this encouraging little truth out there. People are so... STUPID. That pretty much sums it up. Thankfully God is so much bigger than even our worst failures. Thankfully His plans don't depend on us pulling through, because we have a tendency not to. In other words, thank you God for being who You are.

Let the dead bury their own dead

2010-02-03T04:23:00.000-08:00

Matthew 8:21-22
Another disciple said to him, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” But Jesus told him, “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.”

It seems to center on what is important. Following Jesus means we lead a different life. We'll have different priorities. Here, Jesus puts it in stark terms: following Me is the most important thing. Even significant family events are trivial. Let the world chase after what it thinks is important. You are to focus on something different.

Jesus makes a similar point when talking dealing with the sisters Martha and Mary. Martha was worried about making the house clean and was cleaning frantically when Jesus came. Mary, however, chose to drop everything and come sit at His feet. When Martha asked Jesus to make Mary get up and help her, Jesus responded that Mary was right.

It may seem counterintuitive to drop everything to sit at His feet, but He is good about ensuring the time we gave to Him wasn't wasted (it never is BTW)

Commanded to go, but defeated horribly at first. Why?

2010-01-19T10:08:00.000-08:00

12 The tribes of Israel sent men throughout the tribe of Benjamin, saying, "What about this awful crime that was committed among you? 13 Now surrender those wicked men of Gibeah so that we may put them to death and purge the evil from Israel."
But the Benjamites would not listen to their fellow Israelites. 14 From their towns they came together at Gibeah to fight against the Israelites. 15 At once the Benjamites mobilized twenty-six thousand swordsmen from their towns, in addition to seven hundred chosen men from those living in Gibeah. 16 Among all these soldiers there were seven hundred chosen men who were left-handed, each of whom could sling a stone at a hair and not miss.

17 Israel, apart from Benjamin, mustered four hundred thousand swordsmen, all of them fighting men.

18 The Israelites went up to Bethel [b] and inquired of God. They said, "Who of us shall go first to fight against the Benjamites?"
The LORD replied, "Judah shall go first."

19 The next morning the Israelites got up and pitched camp near Gibeah. 20 The men of Israel went out to fight the Benjamites and took up battle positions against them at Gibeah. 21 The Benjamites came out of Gibeah and cut down twenty-two thousand Israelites on the battlefield that day. 22 But the men of Israel encouraged one another and again took up their positions where they had stationed themselves the first day. 23 The Israelites went up and wept before the LORD until evening, and they inquired of the LORD. They said, "Shall we go up again to battle against the Benjamites, our brothers?"
The LORD answered, "Go up against them."

24 Then the Israelites drew near to Benjamin the second day. 25 This time, when the Benjamites came out from Gibeah to oppose them, they cut down another eighteen thousand Israelites, all of them armed with swords.

26 Then the Israelites, all the people, went up to Bethel, and there they sat weeping before the LORD. They fasted that day until evening and presented burnt offerings and fellowship offerings [c] to the LORD. 27 And the Israelites inquired of the LORD. (In those days the ark of the covenant of God was there, 28 with Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, ministering before it.) They asked, "Shall we go up again to battle with Benjamin our brother, or not?"
The LORD responded, "Go, for tomorrow I will give them into your hands."

29 Then Israel set an ambush around Gibeah. 30 They went up against the Benjamites on the third day and took up positions against Gibeah as they had done before. 31 The Benjamites came out to meet them and were drawn away from the city. They began to inflict casualties on the Israelites as before, so that about thirty men fell in the open field and on the roads—the one leading to Bethel and the other to Gibeah.

32 While the Benjamites were saying, "We are defeating them as before," the Israelites were saying, "Let's retreat and draw them away from the city to the roads."

33 All the men of Israel moved from their places and took up positions at Baal Tamar, and the Israelite ambush charged out of its place on the west [d] of Gibeah. [e] 34 Then ten thousand of Israel's finest men made a frontal attack on Gibeah. The fighting was so heavy that the Benjamites did not realize how near disaster was. 35 The LORD defeated Benjamin before Israel, and on that day the Israelites struck down 25,100 Benjamites, all armed with swords.

This has become, for the moment, my fencing passage. God has blessed me with lots of success in fencing, but sometimes it seems as if His hand is against me, even though I feel that I'm doing my best and my heart is at least mostly in the right place. This is what happened in Division I in San Jose this past weekend. Ther person I lost to should not have beaten me, but it seemed as though my touches weren't going off and he was getting a bunch of "lucky" touches. It was frustrating, to say the least. But, in the end, God is good and His ways are higher than ours

The purpose of USAFA, at least for now

2010-01-10T15:59:00.000-08:00

Finally, I think I know why I'm here. It seems that USAFA, for this season (however long that may last), is a place of hardship to learn to trust Him in everything and live moment by moment in His grace. It seems that now is a time to, at least for awhile, focus less on long-term plans than on learning the daily, hourly, minutely lessons that God has for me, as well as learning to live them.

Even the military facades are a blessing in disguise. Because they are so obviously fake and pointless, it's easier to focus on what matters instead of being caught up in this place.

God has provided so much, and I'm excited for the things He'll do in me this semester. I pray only that I would be attentive, teachable, and promptly obedient to what He would have me learn.

Beware of Hatred

2010-01-09T12:04:00.000-08:00

Beware of hatred, in all its levels. It will consume you, if subtly, and steal your life. I believe now that the reason I was so lifeless last semester was that I allowed my hatred of various aspects of USAFA and my frustration with being there to grow. Subtly, it began to consume me, and my capacity to feel and be sensitive was severely knocked back, replaced by bitter thoughts and sarcastic cynicism. I have a penchant for the pessimistic and I notice the negative first. But that doesn't sound too much like being joyful always, praying continually, and giving thanks in all circumstances.

It didn't make sense that a place could make inner life harder/near impossible. The antidote to death inside is to connect with God, the source of life. So that is my struggle, to learn to live moment by moment in His grace.

What's Everything?

2010-01-09T10:51:00.000-08:00

Of late, God has blessed me with the grace to surrender a lot of things. For the longest time "give it to Him" seemed so abstract. What did it mean? Well, I think I might have a working definition now: giving up ones ownership and responsibility of the thing and its outcomes and trusting in God's power and goodness (it tends to be in better hands that way).

Relationships and fencing have so far been the biggest venues for trust and surrender, but I'm realizing now that there are other things, stuff we might not usually think of when we think of surrendering.

Maybe this is different for others, but school has always been sort of an individual endeavor. I would always do the reading and work and occasionally pray for help on a paper or test and give thanks for good results. However, Erika recently showed me a verse that was pointed directly at my (so far merited) apprehension about taking Calculus II and Physics: 1 John 2:27

"And as for you, the anointing which you received from Him abides in you, and you have no need for anyone to teach you, but as His anointing teaches you about all things, and is true and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you abide in Him"

There is a temptation to be rather Platonic, thinking that God and His word applies primarily to the spiritual, almost to the exclusion of the everyday. But doesn't "all things" include the stuff you study in school?

So what else in life occurs outside the sphere of His ownership and recognition?

A little anecdote from December

2010-01-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

Well, the moral of this story basically goes like this: I'm silly and emotional and a bit childish and God is good and powerful.

Early December was a hard time for me. One of the words I clung to was a song by Rush of Fools called "Never Far Away." Well, a part of that song goes "You're the moonlight in the dark of my night." So, one night, I was feeling particularly horrible and hopeless, so much so that I went outside to look for the moon. It wasn't out. So I sorta said "Look God, the moon's not out" Then He did something, well, divine, and redeemed the night. I definitely needed to be shut up in that instance. Thankfully He is patient with our immaturity.

I've never seen money better spent

2010-01-05T19:14:00.000-08:00

I just got done reading The Treasure Principle by Randy Alcorn. It's about giving and how that glorifies God. It was truly inspiring, I highly recommend that book.

It was so inspiring that I wanted to give too. It's perfect: I have relatively lots of money and little expenses. I was carrying around one of the 100 dollar bills I got at the ball, and the thought of giving it had entered my head. Why not do something radical? But, I didn't know where to give it, so I was praying.

Well, tonight in walks someone in need of God's love. Dan Jones, one of the guys in my squad. He's a military brat (he's 19 and lived in 20 different houses, this is his 10th school). His dad is in Afghanistan. His mom has 2 jobs now. His little brother cries a lot because he misses Dan. So, he is going to fly home. That's when the thought was put into my head to give him the 100 dollar bill. Thanks be to God, I did. At first he wanted to refuse, but I told him this wasn't me, it was the One inside. By God's grace he took it. My roommates chipped in too after seeing that, so his ticket home to surprise his family now costs 42 dollars.

Moral of the story: treasures in heaven give joyful dividends on earth, and God is surpassingly good.

So, I encourage all of you to go out and do something crazy. Randy Alcorn calculated it, investing in God has about a 10,000 percent return

Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. (Malachi 3:10)

The Way

2010-01-05T08:43:00.000-08:00

As I looked at the title of this blog of mine, I realized that it acts as if there is a question as to what the way is. John 14:6 answers that question:

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

So, the way is a person, not an idea or some abstract thing.

They can't control your soul, unless you let them...

2010-01-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid I've made a horrible mistake quite a few times. For as much as I try to let USAFA control as little of my life as possible, I'm afraid I gave in to worry and depression and allowed them control of my soul. The consequences were mine.

What does God say about this one? 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 puts it well: Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Notice it doesn't say give thanks for all circumstances. However, it's not as though we lack things to give thanks for. We have been saved and forgiven and given new, real life in Jesus. He is always good and faithful and works out all things for our good.

This is supposed to be the foundation of our enduring joy that persists no matter what life throws at us. Happiness relies on circumstances, joy does not. Joy is based in the truth of our redemption

Do not oppress the alien

2010-01-03T18:58:00.000-08:00

When God says something twice, it would seem to behoove us to take heed. The other day I was reading Exodus, and on facing pages it said "do not oppress the alien in your midst."

But what does this mean in real life? To me, the obvious application is to immigration. While we shouldn't encourage law-breaking, to join in the oppression of foreigners, even illegal immigrants, seems rather wrong.

But what about other places? What about socially? It is often the nature of a group to attack and tear down newcomers. However, we are called to something higher.

As I'm Going Numb and Dying, I Cry Out in Monotone

2009-12-14T07:43:00.000-08:00

Why does it take

My most treasured possession

To get my attention?

Why does it take

You turning her gaze

To someone else

Before I see

My own sad condition?

What am I now?

What happened to me?

Where is the life inside?

Even now, I cannot feel.

I want to hear

I want to pray

I want to worship

I want to say

With full confidence

That You’re first

In my life

But there’s so much to unravel

So many pieces to pick up

And put back together

God, I’m such a mess

Save me

And make me truly Yours

So that I can’t deny it

Even if I try

Save me from this numbness

That drains all color from my life

Save me from my strident will

Bid it be still

And lead me down Your path

Save me from my weakness

I know how great it is

But I also know

You’re greater still

And there’s nothing You can’t do

Wash away the bitterness

I know resides in me

Help me to forgive

As You’ve forgiven me

Save me from my instincts

To struggle desperately for what’s “mine”

I can see now

My desperate hold on everything

Is squeezing the life out of me

I know I wasn’t made

To be a sorry mess

When we surrender all to You

You truly give us life

But God, it’s such a battle

To truly haul down the flag

And I can’t win this on my own

Only You can make that happen

I know my own great weakness

The long history of my failures

But Lord, I trust

You’re greater

And nothing’s too much

For You

Enemies

2009-12-08T04:13:00.000-08:00

"Love your enemies" -Jesus

It's something I've heard at church since I was very young. It's one of the most revolutionary teachings the world has ever witnessed. And, until yesterday, I totally forgot it.

My tirade about the... offensive actions and undesirable qualities about a certain upperclassman yesterday was gently interrupted. And I was urged to pray for him. Wow.

Before I came to USAFA, my personal "enemy" list hadn't been started yet. Of course there were people I mildly disliked, but nobody made the enemy list. USAFA changed that though. The lies on top of lies, the endless regulations, the inefficiency, the inhumanity, the collectivism, they all aroused my hatred. I'm learning that the hardest thing I have forgiving is, well... supporting and being part of the system, especially unequivocally. The more unequivocal the support, the more I loathe them. In my book, it's probably the best way to dehumanize oneself.

However, all of the people who make up that system were made in the image of God. Much as I loathe their decisions and creation, as much as they are my enemies, I'm supposed to... love them. I don't think I can do that. Especially the part of love that involves trust. I don't trust them. Frankly, I have very few friends here of my own choice.

So, I'm going to try at very least to pray for these people, and try to keep the whole "praying for your enemy = heaping hot coals on their head" verse out of my mind. Rage against the machine, while somewhat unavoidable it seems, needs to be controlled.

Seeing Past the Surface

2009-12-08T04:05:00.000-08:00

It's what I long for, when I'm lucid. To be able to see the other dimension, past the petty struggles of this world to the real war going on just beneath the surface. How difficult it is to acquire an eternal perspective. I'm afraid I haven't yet. How tough will it be to keep, if ever acquired?

It would be so much more bearable if I could see the spiritual dimension. It might be easier to find out what the real enemy is. Most of the time though, it just seems to be suffering at the USAF's whim. I'm willing to fight and suffer, but the cause has to be worth it. Armed support of the United States government (and training to do so) do not count as worthy causes in my book.

God's probably got a reason for all this though. I wonder what it is.

Another Standing Stone

2009-12-08T03:55:00.001-08:00

"You Answered With Power"
I pled
Desperately
You moved
You showed
Your power
Unlimited
Healing
You are faithful
You are good
You are merciful
You never fail us
You always listen
Let me never stray
Let me always trust

Writings from USAFA

2009-12-08T03:51:00.000-08:00

"Trapped"

I don’t know anymore
I go on
Trying to walk through this wasteland
Going around in circles
Stumbling through the wreckage
Who’s doing the shooting?
Is it me or them?
What am I fighting?
Who can I trust?
Dare I trust me?
I think not
I want to stand for what’s right
But I don’t know where I am anymore
But even if I did
Would I even stand?
Or would I run again?
I want to hear
But there’s so much noise
I want to see
But the fires all around
Blind me
I thrash at the bars
Of this cage
But what is it?
Whence come it?
Is it an illusion?
An enemy device?
Or is it something I made?
Am I my own worst enemy?

I realized today that Shadows by Red is a lot of this same feel put to music.

"Broken Again"

Here I am
Broken again
Again despairing
Again crying out
My deafness
My blindness
The doubts in my head
I can’t feel anything
What I know drives me frantic
But the worst part of all
Is that I know this will pass
I’ll fall back into
The deafness and blindness
I’ll stumble about
Careless and inconsiderate
Look at my beloved
Look there
A few unfeeling steps
Look at the hurt I’ve done
So now I’m back here again
Asking for help again
I don’t want
To just ask for help
I want to know You
But the thing that kills me
Is that in three hours
Maybe less
I won’t want that anymore
And I’ll forget You exist
I’m weak and pathetic
Wretched and schizophrenic
I forget so easily
And fall back asleep
Walking comatose
With an occasional lucid moment
So while I can
I’ll scream again
Save me
Show me
Open my eyes
Speak to me
Open my ears
Enter my mind
Dispel the doubts
Free me from my own weakness
Make everything clear
As it once was

How long has it been?
Sometimes I struggle to remember
Was it only a few months ago
That I left my life?
Soft music playing
I got in the car
One last time
One last glimpse of my world
As a part of it
Now I know
That world is gone forever
When I left
So many things
I knew and loved
Fell down
I’m in another world
A place with different normalcy
But I’m a stranger here
What happened to innocence?
Where is the nearness?
No more carefree

"Swindled"

Trusting
Naïve
I believed them
Conventional wisdom
Hearsay
It worked so well
Required no effort
The only choice
A place
Where everything is done for you
Even when you don’t want it that way
I thought
It would be worth it
Just a sacrifice now
For great benefit later
But you can’t get time back
There’s no reclaiming the years
What is our reward
For so great a sacrifice
A pitiful salary
Respect
A fancy uniform
For this we surrender the best years of our lives
Our freedoms
Our thoughts
Our selves
So here I am
Trapped here
Unable to speak
Daring to question
Daring to think
Daring to dream
If only I had known
I wouldn’t be bound here
But will I survive?
Will I come out intact?
Or will I be twisted
Into something I hate?
But I have yet to see
Anyone prove me wrong

Thoughts On Arrival in Colorado Springs
(I sat out alone, looked into the distance, and wrote...)

Mountains in the distance
A desperate desire to escape
A solemn sense of heightened awareness
But awareness of what?
No, just solemnity and solitude
Somewhere out there
A new world
I’m not coming back
This will be my new home
She couldn’t talk
Told me to go
I called the wrong person
What am I to learn?
Discipline? Dependence?
What will it be?
Would it make a difference if I knew?
Staring straight through
It may as well not be there
Words are clumsy
A rugged unknown
I couldn’t tell you where I am
But I’ve been someplace like it before
Quiet
Thinking of a thousand unknowns
That must be out there
But I don’t know what they are
Shouldn’t I be asking questions?
Or thinking of something?
But I’m not
Not really
Alone in the middle of hundreds
Just below me are strangers
Who may as well not exist
Does the desire for solitude makes us more alone because we run away and shut out the world?
Wind
Why do I hear even the smallest footsteps?
Would I be…

"Seeing What You Wanted"

You came
You saw
What you wanted to see
Confidence
Prestige
Money and a uniform
But that’s only the surface
What lies beneath cuts deeper
Maybe I’m dying
I’m not totally sure
Moral corrosion
Is in the air
I see the corpses
Walking about
Submerged in filth
Built on theft
Fighting for thieves
Liberty forgotten
Replaced by greed
Ambition
The whims of those in charge

Three Days

2009-12-08T03:47:00.000-08:00

If I've told you, you know

"The Road Ahead"
The road ahead
Goes ever onward
I see
Many hard places
Lie ahead
Much pain
In the future
But the view is misty
And I’m looking somewhere else
Lord
Lead me on
Keep my eyes fixed on you
God, I’m hurting
Cut
Bleeding
Tears flow
I ache inside
The worst part is
I have me to blame
For most of it
This road
Is bleak
And lonely
Give me the strength
To go on
Because I
Don’t have it

"Yesterday"
Yesterday
My spirit
Was crushed
Tears flowed
When I thought of
The separation
I went
To a celebration
My heart heavy
Expecting bitterness
At first
It seemed I was right
Bitter solitude
Was my lot
But You heard my prayer
And You answered
You swept away the bitterness
And replaced it
With happiness and joy
Yesterday
I didn’t want to go on
The way ahead
Looked so bleak
So lonely
So hard
Near impossible
But You, Lord
Have all strength
All discernment
All love
All mercy
You will bring me through
You will give me strength
To go on
When I have none
I will trust in You
No matter what happens
Lord
You are not one
Who leaves things
Unfinished
You brought us together
You pushed us onward
You sustained us
This
Is precious to me
If it pleases You
Redeem it
Resurrect it from the ashes
As You can
But even if it’s not to be
I trust You still
You won’t abandon me
You never

"Today"
There I was
Still hurting
Still unsure
Wanting more
Than a lecture
You came
You spoke
“Let go”
You took
My imperfection
And in return
You became
My righteousness
My joy
My happiness
My hope
Who am I?
That You
Omnipotent
Omniscient
Holy
Would move
At the sound
Of my voice?
I don’t know why
But I don’t need to know
I was overwhelmed
I couldn’t restrain
The tears
You spoke
To me
The lowest of all
Then You showed
Your power
Unlimited
You astonished me
With Your unlimited power
I can hardly take it in
I can’t sit still
My heart is racing
I don’t want
To just be aflame
I want
To be
A flame
Melt and sweep away
The poor
Brittle
Colorless
Sorry pile of wax
That I am
I want to be
A flame
Your flame
Let your fire fall
Unlimited
All-consuming
Burn away the old
Blast our grey
Flat
Lifeless
Dull existences
Into color
Into life
Revolution
Away with the old
Let Your
All-consuming Fire
Burn through everything
Even to the most mundane
The most insignificant
Corners
Of life
Open my eyes
Open my ears
Awaken me
Let me see
The other dimension
Sustain this flame
No matter what
I can’t do this
Pour on
To this sorry spark
The liquid oxygen
Of Your power
Let it burn fiercely
Uncontrollably
Until it becomes
Who I am
‘Til I
Can’t hide it
Even if I try
Keep the flame alive
No mere survival
All-consuming
Let it burn

Quotes

2009-12-08T03:44:00.000-08:00

Below are some of my favorite quotes

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
-Soren Kierkegaard

The tyrant dies and his rule is over, the martyr dies and his rule begins.
-Soren Kierkegaard

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
-Soren Kierkegaard

"At a minimum, a head of state should have a head,"
-Vladimir Putin (in response to Hillary Clinton's accusation that he had no soul)

All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning.
Great works are often born on a street corner or in a restaurant's revolving door.
Albert Camus

By definition, a government has no conscience. Sometimes it has a policy, but nothing more.
Albert Camus

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Albert Camus

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.
Albert Camus

In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant.
- Charles de Gaulle

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
George Bernard Shaw

The American Presidency is not a journey in personal discovery

Gov. Sarah Palin

Our original shimmering self gets buried so deep we hardly live out of it at all… rather, we learn to live out of all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather.

-Frederick Buechner

And, after all, what is a fashion? From the artistic point of view, it is usually a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

-Oscar Wilde

People create their own questions because they are afraid to look straight. All you have to do is look straight and see the road, and when you see it,
don't sit looking at it - walk.
Ayn Rand

The ladder of success is best climbed by stepping on the rungs of opportunity.
Ayn Rand

There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist.
Ayn Rand

It is a grave error to suppose that a dictatorship rules a nation by means of strict,
rigid laws which are obeyed and enforced with rigorous, military precision.
Such a rule would be evil, but almost bearable; men could endure the harshest edicts, provided these edicts were known,
specific and stable; it is not the known that breaks men's spirits, but the unpredictable. A dictatorship has to be capricious;
it has to rule by means of the unexpected, the incomprehensible, the wantonly irrational; it has to deal not in death,
but in sudden death; a state of chronic uncertainty is what men are psychologically unable to bear.
-Ayn Rand

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.
But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
— Friedrich Nietzsche

Just as man can't exist without his body, so no rights can exist
without the right to translate one's rights into reality,
to think, to work and keep the results,
which means: the right of property.
Ayn Rand

Only the descent into the hell of self-knowledge can pave the way to godliness.
-Immanuel Kant

'Knowledge dominance' does scare us as Marines.
General George Armstrong Custer probably thought he had knowledge dominance, too.
Any time you thing you're smarter than your adversary,
you're probably about a half-mile from the Little Big Horn."
— Colonel Art Corbett, USMC

"We don't have that problem in Russia."
Why not?
"Because when we get that close we close our eyes."
— Unknown

“Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.”
—Mao Tse-Tung

There is a story of a Bolshevik revolutionary who was standing on a soap box speaking to a small crowd in Times Square.
After describing the glories of Socialism and Communism, he said: “Come the revolution and everyone will eat peaches and cream.”
A little old man at the back of the crown yelled out: “I don’t like peaches and cream.”
The Bolshevik thought about that for a moment and then replied:
“Come the revolution, Comrade, you will like peaches and cream.”

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."
George Bernard Shaw

"When you have a hammer, all problems start to look like nails.
But nations without great military power face the opposite danger: When you don't have a hammer, you don't want anything to look like nails."
Robert Kagan

"Of course the people don't want war . . . But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship . . . Voice or no voice, the people can always to brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy.
All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.
It works the same in any country."
— Field Marshal Herman Goering

Never touch a novel. They .. describe happiness that never exists . . . Do Not dream.
-Robert E. Lee

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
--Blake Clark--

There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is nothing good in war. Except its ending.

War is a competition of incompetence - the least incompetent usually win.
- Pakistani General Tiger, after losing Bangladesh

“He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt.
He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice.”

Albert Einstein

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

Groucho Marx

“Military glory - that attractive rainbow that rises in showers of blood”

Abraham Lincoln

“The military caste did not originate as a party of patriots, but as a party of bandits”

Henry Louis Mencken

“Over grown military establishments are under any form of government inauspicious to liberty,
and are to be regarded as particularly hostile to republican liberty.”

George Washington

"To have good soldiers, a nation must always be at war."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

"Laws are inoperative in war"
- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.): Pro Milone.

"War is the continuation of policy(politics) by other means."
- Karl von Clausewitz

I have a blog!

2009-12-08T03:41:00.000-08:00

I'm the kind of person who likes to let stuff out now and then, but likes to control the audience. Facebook is just far too watched.

The title is very simple: life is a journey and a battle. These are thoughts and discoveries from along the way